Wounded Beyond Repair
by LadyMiasma
Summary: Sam is back from the cage, soul intact. Lucifer hurt Sam in ways Gabriel or anyone can imagine so when Sam comes back he is not quite in his usual state of mind. I own nothing.


**Wounded beyond repair**

_Burning, Sam was burning. White hot pain seared throughout his body. Paralysed, no comprehensible thought came to Sam's mind but agony: pure and simple agony. The flames engulfed him bit he could still see their faces through the sparks; laughing and taunting. Enjoying themselves like his pain was the highlight of the day. And they did torment him all day, relentless and excruciating. Sam willed for something, anything to hope for and make it just a bit more bearable. Nothing came and Sam found himself lost in the pain and darkness. _

_Pain spasmed in every nerve and caused Sam's back to arch. "Ah, Sammy. It never had to be like this." Lucifer traced the lines on Sam's face which were always in a permanent state of anguish. Desperate, Sam tried to writhe out of the devil's grip but the pain flared up and Sam couldn't hold on to the terrible sound that escaped his mouth. "But I am glad you decided to grace us with your presence. Without you, this experience would be a lot less…." Lucifer twisted his hand deeper into Sam's soul. "… pleasurable." As Sam screamed, Lucifer began to laugh and even Michael let out a slow, throaty chuckle. _

**Gabriel**

Sam lets out a scream; a cry of help from a wounded animal. Not a scream of fear but one of pure terror and suffering. Barely human at all. Then again Sam is well acquainted with the nonhuman. Instantly, I am by him side cradling him and caressing him. I came to expect Sam to crying out my name in his nightmares but I will never get used to them. That was always the worst: when Sam needed me. Every cry feels like a shred to my heart. I will do anything to lift the pain off Sam's shoulders and see his dimpled smile again. But the hard truth is I can do nothing to help Sam. I am useless. Completely and utterly _useless. _

Sam soon fell asleep again and I am left staring at the peaceful face below me. I wonder where that peaceful person is. The person who was so determined to save others he would gladly risk his own life. The person who inspired me to stand up to my own family. That is in the past like when our love was plain and simple. No small print and _no_ broken souls. Now, whenever we make love, there absolutely is no passion involved. I know Sam wants a release from his past and to feel something, _anything. _But his eyes are always empty and far-off. Sometimes, when I forget it hurt too much, I wonder if the old Sam is still there in this battered body. Hiding and desperate to be let out? I hope so because that is all I can do: hope for a miracle.

_I was too late.  
Centuries ago when God had brought me back I knew my one and only purpose: help Sam Winchester. Fires scorched me down below but that was the least of my worries. But, the demon's taunts followed his where ever he went. "There is no use. He is already dead inside," they would sneer. "Don't take away our __**favourite toy!**__" It seemed like every evil creature in the pit had a piece of Sam. Gabriel's Sam. Dreading what I would find, I pushed on through on the blazes. As I grew nearer, Sam's shouts and moans grew more and more anguished.  
I was too late.  
Sam was already broken, limp beneath my brother's oppression. I will never forget the Sam's eyes as long as I live. Sam's black, empty, defeated eyes. But I carried Sam out in my arms, wilted like a torn flower. I carried him out of the gates of hell and into safety. When I handed Sam to his brother I couldn't look Dean in the eye. I couldn't bear to look at Cas' distraught face when he felt Sam's soul. I couldn't even look myself in the mirror.  
None of that mattered though because I was too late._

Mine and Sam's relationship wasn't always like this. There was a time when we shared passionate kisses against the wall. When I could give Sam stupid nicknames like Sam-a-lan and Sammy-kins. When our love was plain and simple. No small print and definitely _no_ broken souls. Now, whenever we make love, there absolutely is no passion involved. I know Sam wants a release from his past and to feel something, _anything. _But his eyes are always empty and far-off.

They tried to get a special doctor to check on Sam but that was a complete disaster. Sam could barely stand to be in the same room as anyone but Dean, Cas and me let alone a stranger. The look on Sam's face was one I never wanted to see again: utter horror and vulnerability. "No, no," he whispered. "Not again. Not Gabriel. Not anyone else. I won't let you." Sam shoved me behind him. Knowing what had happened to Sam it broke my heart to think that Sam would still shield me from his worst nightmares. I didn't take a genius to figure out who Sam thought the doctor was.

*************  
_No. No. No. No.  
Gabriel's mind shut down and refused to think anything else.  
No. No. N- Gabriel's never changing train of thought was interrupted when he was forced to concentrate on Sam's words.  
"There is no other way: you know that. Lucifer will be locked in the cage forever. I have to do this," Sam whispered, softly. If Gabriel hadn't kept murmuring "no, no, no" under his breath Sam wouldn't have thought Gabriel had even acknowledged what he was saying. Gently, Sam cupped Gabriel's face in his hands. "Don't worry. Dying is never on a Winchester's agenda. You won't be able to get rid of me that easy." Sam gave his a sad smile that never stopped breaking Gabriel's hear. Something broke inside of Gabriel, then. Something that has never changed since.  
"Sam, please. What will happen to me?" Gabriel pleaded. Unreadable emotions flashed in Sam's eyes, eventually settling for a defeated and resigned look. Then Sam turned away from Gabriel and started slowly walking towards Lucifer. Gabriel had seen that walk before. It was the way prisoners would walk when they took their last steps towards the gallows.  
"Sam! Wait!" Gabriel didn't even try to keep the desperation out of his voice. Sam hesitated but didn't face Gabriel because Sam knew there was a thin barrier that was stopping him from running to Gabriel and never facing Lucifer. Afterwards Gabriel could think of a thousand and one things he needed to say to Sam but then, his mind was completely blank. "I...I love you." In any other circumstance Gabriel would have kicked himself in the balls for saying something so sentimental. But giving yourself over to the devil was no ordinary circumstance. Sam did turn around then and his face was one that flashed in Gabriel's nightmares. Sam was conquered: his eyes looked so empty and drained and silent tears were streaking off his face.  
"I know." The reply was so quiet that even Gabriel's angel had strain to hear it. By the time Gabriel had registered the words, Sam had already disappeared into the house. _

_It took five days afterward for Gabriel to calm down. Castiel always kept an eye on him to in case Gabriel' rage destroyed a whole city. Instead Gabriel had to satisfy his anger in the old-fashioned, **human **way: torturing. He would lock angels and demons and in a secure room and get to work on them. Carving, holy water, shooting, anything would do just to hear them scream.  
And Gabriel liked it. No, he loved it. Gabriel could feel the anger flow from his hands. Sneering faces flashed in his mind when he knifed. Faces of every brother who had let him down. Faces who had ripped Sam from him. Gabriel soaked up hearing their cries and shouts. Why shouldn't they suffer? He did this for months until one demon said something that shook him to the core. "You're worse than Lucifer!" he spat. Four words changed everything for Gabriel. **He was worse than the devil.** Lucifer: who was with Sam right then. How could Gabriel ever face Sam knowing he had carved into creatures like Lucifer carved into Sam? Those painful words helped Gabriel set his mind straight to priorities. How will he get Sam back?_

**Sam**

Shards of the mirror plummet into the basin. What is left of the mirror still reflect my nightmares. Only now they are twisted and scattered. Lucifer's face is now replicated on every fragment. Still laughing because even beyond the cage he is still torturing me. The cracked mirror with crevices echoed my broken soul. My knuckles are turning white now from gripping the basin too tight. Blood is seeping out of my fingers from the glass but I am too angry to care. Why is this happening to me? Why did I have to be the one to make the sacrifice? For the first time since jumping into the cage, I doubted whether it is worth it.

I'm not stupid: I know I am crazy, that there is something wrong with me. I am a freak but worse I am a burden. Before I was the strong one protecting the vulnerable but now people are always looking after me because I am weak. When I first got back I heard Gabriel and Castiel talk about me in hushed voices.  
"There must be something you can do. He's not right… in the head. Please help, Cas." Gabriel tone was urgent and desperate.  
"I am sorry, Gabriel. He spent five years in the cage with _Lucifer and Michael_; he is wounded beyond repair. There is no hope. Sam will be like this forever."  
"It's my fault. I was too late."

Castiel's words still were nestled in the back of my mind.  
Haunting me. Harassing me. Reminding me.  
_He is wounded beyond repair. _The old, brave Sam is gone, trapped in a pathetic useless wreck. I am the intruder in his life taking all their love that should be for him and I want him back like I know everyone else wants it too. But, _Sam will be like this forever. _I will never be normal, I will never be able to hunt and save people. In a way, I am relieved that I will never be sane again because that means I have to come to terms with what happened….down there. I would have to acknowledge that it actually happened; I can't just pretend that it was from my nightmares or that I am in a make-believe world. So, I cling on to my crazy because it is the only thing I can do.  
My crazy is woven so deeply into the fabric of my mind, it can't be touched.  
My crazy is the wall that separates me from the cold, hard reality.  
My crazy is the only self defence mechanism I have left. I dread to think what will happen to me without it.

"We don't have to do this if you don't want to. Are you sure?" Gabriel urges, softly. He has the lighter at the ready. Determined, I nod. I am sweating profusely from the anticipation. Gabriel turns to Cas, Dean and Bobby who are on the side lines watching me like a freak show. However, Gabriel still puts it off; he thinks I am not ready. To be honest, neither do I. This is attempt 17 since I got back. Who was I kidding to thin-?

Too late. I hear the flick of the lighter. I am frozen for a second: just staring. Then my brain kicks in and the memories come flooding back, drowning me. Pouring into my mind and dissolving my brain like acid. A sob escapes from my lips and I slump to the ground, terrified stiff. The fire engulfs me, swallowing me whole. Then it is the smoke that invades me, blocking off all my senses but hearing. Oh yes, Lucifer always made sure I could hear the sound of laughter: to cheer me up, he said. I can't breathe; the fear in lodged in my throat. I wish for death to come and take me aw-  
"Sam! SAM!" Suddenly, the smoke is gone and I am left curled in a ball gently rocking back and forth. Gabriel's arms are around me, soothing me. I open my eyes just in time to see Bobby shake his head at Cas and Dean's face. He looked like someone who was one number away from winning the lottery: disappointed and frustrated. Not wanting to see anymore, I closed my eyes. Yet again I have failed.

_*****  
"I brought you someone you might like, Sammy-boy," Lucifer crooned in a sing-song voice. "Your favourite brother!" Sam gasped, his heart sinking.  
"Don't you dare hurt him!" Sam growled.  
"Oh he is not the one you should be worrying about." Suddenly, Dean pushed past Lucifer and into Sam's view. Dean's face was contorted into an expression of pure anger and hatred. "Dean?" Sam whispered.  
"Dean," Dean mimicked, cruelly. "You were always a whiner. Always thinking of yourself, too blind to see how much me and dad hated you. Even mum despised you. She knew what yellow-eyes were going to do to you and she was glad. She wanted that fate for you."  
"No, no," Sam murmured. "You don't mean that!"  
"Oh but I do. I just never had the courage to say it to you. I was glad when you jumped. I had finally got rid of you. You are no brother to me. You are a freak. I hate you." Then Dean began carving into Sam.  
********_

**Dean**

Knowing Sam trusted Gabriel more than his own brother hurt. It actually hurt a ton more than going to hell for 40 bloody years. Don't get me wrong: I dread to think what Sammy would be like without Gabriel. It is just that I always thought I would be the one protecting Sam. The one who Sam needed and trusted more than anyone else. So, it hurts. Sometimes I even pretend to talk to Sam when he isn't there. I talk to him in the way I could never now and never did. But I need someone to talk to. I need Sam.

_Sam is getting better. Sam is getting better._ The words repeated themselves in my head, reassuring me like a mantra. They came to me whenever Sam flinched from my touch or when I am alone on another hunt. It is true. Before, Sam was a lot worse. At least they didn't have to lock Sam in Bobby's panic room. Or at least Sam could stand to be in the same room as me without sobbing.  
Yeh, I am grateful for the small mercies.

_I stared at Sam. "You're back. I knew you would be. We never gave up on you." Sam was wide-eyed, frozen. I decided it was one of those special occasions and went in for a hug. I knew something was wrong; Sam was usually all in favour of chick-flick hugs but he was as stiff and tense as a pole. Then, he let out a sob, an ear-shattering sob and one that I had never heard before. At once, Gabriel came rushing into the room and started stroking Sam's back soothingly. "You should leave, Dean," Gabriel whispered. But I just stood there, shocked and betrayed. Sam began crying out, shouting incomprehensible slurs. "NOW!" _

_Sam is getting better._ Hints of the old Sammy are coming back. Just the other day something amazing happened. I was talking to Gabriel about Cas, "There is something strange with him." I didn't even think Sam was listening; he is usually zoned out, when he piped up.  
"Quit complaining Dean! Just confess your love, open up your heart and adopt a bunch of kittens." But then the finale came when Sam graced us with the _getting-real-tired-of-your-shit _bitchface the other Sammy would be proud of. I utterly forgot what I was talking about and was completely thrilled at Sam I could have hugged him. But, of course, being the emotionally-stunted person I am, I gaped at Sam and then left the room.  
So, you see, _Sam is getting better._

The End


End file.
